Too Good
WARNING: This post contains graphic depictions of….well….Rachel is a nurse you see….and this post is from an email she sent to me. It’s too good.
–dan
I had my most embarrassing moment happen today.
It all started with a phone call at 0730 this morning. My Commander called me and informed that there was a command wide urinalysis this morning. I had to be there by 1100 or else. I don’t know about anyone else, but if your boss is the first person you talk to when you get up…..it’s going to be a bad day.
So, I treated this pearl of info with the utmost importance by tossing myself back to bed.
I got up at 0930 to get ready for my important task. Picked my dirty uniform off the floor and proceeded in to work. Of course, the line of procrastinators snaked around the corner, but it was well spent moaning and groaning about how this is our day off. One guy started arguing with the Chief about how the names aren’t picked by random because he’s been there 5 times since May. The Chief was assured that the computer picked randomized name. I have to say his trust in the computer was pretty amazing. Apparently, he’s never played Solitaire on the computer.
So finally, I make it to the front of the line. For those who have never had a military urinalysis done, I’ll explain the process. Now remember, this is serious business! You proceed to the table. You are asked for your I.D. Your name is verified with THE LIST. You are told to pick up an empty bottle from a certain numbered box. You are told to inspect the bottle for any contaminants. You are then to hold the bottle over your right shoulder. Not on your shoulder, not leaning against your cheek, up in the air. The bottle must stay in sight of THEM the whole time. So here you’re looking like a dumbass holding this cup over your head and after a few minutes your arm is killing you. You also have to be observed peeing. I always feel sorry for the corpsman that gets picked to do this. Her job today is watching a hundred females piss today. That’s got to get old. After holding that stupid bottle for about 5 minutes, it’s my turn finally!
I’m escorted in the bathroom talking the usual “pee small talk”…..Where do you work? How do you like it? Where is your hometown? How long have you been in Guam?…And so on….
You have to set the bottle in front of you while you pull down your pants. Then when you’re all comfortable on the throne, you pick up the bottle and do your business.
Now, I never have any problems peeing. In fact, I pee constantly. I inherited my Grandmother’s bladder. You can imagine my amazement when I only produced a little bit of pee. It barely covered the bottom of the container. The corpsman watching me says it’s going to be close. Let’s hope it’ll do.
So with my urine bottle over my right shoulder, I proceed back to the desk. Place my urine bottle on the table, praying that he doesn’t notice the amount. No such luck. We have to have a discussion if that’s enough urine or not. The whole table gets into it….even the huge line of people waiting chimes in their opinion. I think I had 30 people looking at my urine. I started to feel a little awkward, all these people observing my urine. It’s just odd. I was told to drink water and try again.
I downed 4 glasses of water. I had to stop at 4 because I hadn’t eaten and it was making me nauseous. I waited about 15 min and cut back in line. This time I wasn’t able to go at all. No urine whatsoever. I started to feel pee shy; the pressure was getting to me.
By this time, the line was down to two. I had a corpsman run and get me a Coke because you can’t leave the area once the process is started. I then gulped down a Coke. Now I’ve had 4 glasses of water and a 16oz. Coke on an empty stomach. Plus, I can’t burp….I really feel like I’m about to spew at this point. The team is packing up what boxes of samples they can…..and I still don’t feel the need to pee. So, here are four people waiting around staring at me. I’m starting to feel the pressure. My stomach starts churning …..and now, I have to poop.
Now, I don’t’ mind be watched while I pee. But I don’t ever want to poop in front of someone. So, I wait about 15 minutes until I’m sure I have some urine. I pick up my bottle, but it over my right shoulder and proceeded to haul my bloated self to the bathroom. Escorted, of course.
My plan of action is just pee and hold the rest, but I really have to go. As I’m sitting there praying to the pee-pee god and staring at this extremely patient girl, I come to the realization that I have to poop to pee. So, I give her warning and she laughs and I just do it. I can’t tell you how mortified I am. Until I turn around to flush…..
Oh my God…..that was the biggest poop I’ve ever had. This is the bowel movement that the “guys” talk about. Not to mention the smell. I’m going to be known as the LT that clogged the toilet during her urinayalsis. I must have pissed someone off real bad to warrant this karma. I pray the hardest I ever had and flushed the toilet.
My praying must have paid off. Flushed with no problem….Thank you God!
I grapped my pee bottle, put it on the table, signed and initialed all lines, and high-tailed it out of there.
I have never been more embarrassed in my life. I am now UA from the Navy……there’s no way I’m going back.
